I am going to start this article today by acknowledging the difficult truth that you already know- online dating sucks!!
Nobody likes it, not the men, nor the women and yet tips for online dating is the number 1 question asked of me. Why? Because online dating is the most convenient way to meet new people, especially in our large work-from-home landscape these days. With what may feel like fewer chances for organic encounters, online dating has become a vital step in the dating journey for many.
Now, let’s dive into the heart of this post – TIP #1. It’s crucial to steer clear of starting online dating with a negative outlook. Why, you ask? Because if you approach the process with a pessimistic mindset, you’re essentially giving a megaphone to two significant mind mechanisms.
The first is the psychological phenomenon known as confirmation bias. This means that our minds have a natural tendency to give preference to information that aligns with our existing beliefs. In simpler terms, we tend to notice and focus on things that confirm what we already think. If we think online dating is going to suck, we will find and solely focus on the evidence that it sucks. The second mechanism is the brain’s negativity bias, which is a built-in biological tendency. This bias makes our brains pay about ten times more attention to negative information than to positive information.
In a nutshell, if you start online dating with a negative mindset, these two mechanisms team up against you. Your brain will spotlight more of the negative aspects, creating a snowball effect that can leave you feeling utterly disheartened and hopeless.
Also, just taking the science out of it for a minute, consider it from a purely mathematical perspective. If you are online dating in a major metropolitan area you are likely seeing hundreds if not thousands of guys online. When you swipe left on 99 out of a hundred guys and only find 1 you find interesting enough to want to start a chat with, well that can feel pretty depressing indeed. BUT if you are out at a large outdoor street festival or concert with at least 100 men and you spot one guy you find interesting, you don’t feel depressed- you feel excited! Seeing shear massive numbers of single men online who you would not want to date, can create the illusion of a scarce dating pool. However, this notion is no more accurate than it’s ever been. The truth is, you’ve simply never had access to such a vast array of potential matches in your area all at once. Therefore, it is critical that you set up a profile ONLY when you are feeling positive and excited about doing it. n
How can you shift to that positive mindset? Well, with EFT tapping, of course! Simply engage in a few rounds of tapping while saying, “Even though I feel so negative about online dating, I accept myself anyway.” (*For a detailed guide on tapping, check out Chapter 3 in my book, “Find Love Again: Learn to Date Like a Goddess,” or visit www.learntodatelikeagoddess.com/how-to-tap).
Tip #2— make sure you are not letting Cinderella f*ck you up when you add the written things to your profile. What do I mean by that? Well, I wrote a lot in my book how the whole concept conveyed in Cinderella influenced me to feel like my role in dating was to be ‘chosen’ by a man. At a very subconscious level, I believed that I had to do all the things that the stepsisters did to get ready to meet the prince at the ball. I thought that I just needed to make myself pretty enough, make myself charming, be funny, be engaging, and basically do everything in my power to “get a guy to like me.” I felt like I had to sell myself in essence. When you’re pondering what to include in your profile, take a moment to reflect: are these details genuinely reflective of your authentic self, things you love about yourself and want to share? Or, have you unintentionally turned it into a slick advertisement to sell yourself? It’s perfectly fine to present your best self, but pause and ask the tough question: am I writing these things because I think they’ll make a man like me? Choose me, even?
If you find that you are doing that no worries, you have to do is flip the script! YOU are the one doing the choosing in dating just as much as him. Imagine yourself in the place of the Prince in Cinderella at the top of the stairs with a whole throng of MEN standing in line vying for YOUR attention. Feels much more powerful, juicy and exciting doesn’t it?? Next, jot down what you’d want to convey to this enthusiastic crowd of potential suitors to help you narrow down the ones you’d actually want to step forward. Write about the things that ignite your passion, the things that light up your soul. Forget about whether the ideal man in your head would fancy those things – remember, it’s all about what YOU adore, and that’s what truly matters.
Here’s the deal: when we wear a mask of our true selves in dating, we might succeed in making a man fall in love with us, but it’s our false self that they’re falling for – the self we thought they’d like. Sooner or later, that facade will crumble, leaving you wondering, “Now what?”
Okay so you have now cleared your negativity about online dating in general, and you’ve crafted a profile that showcases the most magnetic and authentic version of yourself with pictures and words reflecting the things that genuinely ignite your passion… now it is time to start swiping.
But wait!! Here is Tip #3: Swipe in High Vibe Only!!
Before you open that app, I want you to rate your energetic vibe/internal emotional state as one of three colors:
Red – feeling heavy and negative, lonely, cynical, or fearful
Yellow – feeling cautiously optimistic but skeptical
Green – full-on high-vibe goddess, confident, and excited
If you are anything other than green, close the app and go do something pleasurable. I promise you that if you are red or yellow, your eyes will not even see possible great guys. Your brain will only focus on the yucky guys whose profiles creep you out. Its sounds like hocus-pocus but remember the negativity bias and confirmation bias? That is why you will only see the guys that you would never want to date, and your vibe will continue to drop and drop. Even if you started in yellow, you will be feeling that heavy, negative red energy by the end.
Green is the only way to go. You will see great guys who like you back and you will think to yourself, “man why have I never seen these guys on this app before?“ You just need to be in your high-vibe goddess queen energy for your brain to find them.
Harness these three tips and watch your whole experience of online dating shift- remember, like I always say, when you change your world on the inside and what shows up in your outside world changes too!!